I’m 41 years old. My girlfriend is 19. We’ve been dating exclusively for nine months. When we first started dating, I was concerned about how well our social circle would accept us as a couple. To my surprise, the vast majority of our friends have embraced us and seem to have no problem with us dating. We get invited to parties and social functions together, we hang out with a wide range of friends and for the most part, people to seem to “get” us as a couple and can see that we’re happy together. If anyone has a problem with us dating, they don’t express it to me, that is, until last night. I was out with a couple friends last night. One of whom is a 62 year old women. Let’s call her Deborah. I haven’t seen Deborah in quite a while and she asked how things are going. Naturally the topic of who I’ve been dating came up. I described my girlfriend and all her wonderful traits. I talked about how happy we are together. I explained how she’s a singer, that she’s studying TV production and how well we get along and how compatible we are. Deborah listened intently. Then she asked me the question that I knew was coming. How old is she?, Deborah asked. I paused for a moment and then answered as confidently as I could, she’s 19 I said, with probably a hint of reservation in my voice.
Deborah’s reaction didn’t really surprise me. She proceeded to outline all the reasons why a relationship like this wouldn’t work. She brought up the typical, cynical objections to may-december romances that most people who oppose these types of relationships espouse. What could we possibly have in common? My girlfriend must be using me for money (despite the fact that I’m far from wealthy). It’s wrong to be with someone so much younger than me and that I must be exploiting her youth and naivete. Of course, all of these objections were coming from someone who has never actually met my girlfriend or spent time with us together. My friend’s reaction didn’t surprise me, but it did throw me off a little. Like I said, this is really the first time in nine months anyone has expressed their objections to me and I was a little taken aback and defensive. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but to judge someone or something you don’t really know about is unfair at best and completely off base at worst. But, our whole conversation really got me thinking about the topic of “haters”, where these sorts of criticisms come from and how we can deal with these sorts of critics in our lives. No matter how conventional and socially acceptable our lives are, all of us will confront people from time to time who don’t agree with the decisions we make. As the saying goes, you can please some of the people some of the time but you can’t please all of the people, all of the time. We all have different ideas of what’s right and wrong, smart and stupid, and so on. We’re all on our own unique paths, making different life choices that lead to different places. If living a conventional, “normal” life is met with inevitable criticism, then it goes without saying that a less conventional life will be met with even more critics and naysayers. Anytime someone veers off the conventional, socially accepted life path, they open themselves up to even more criticism. Criticism comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of it may be well intended advice based on wisdom and life experience, but in my experience, more often than not, it’s simply other people projecting their own insecurities and limited view of life and what’s possible onto others. Musician Haters Pursuing music as a profession is considered by many to be an unconventional way to earn a living. As musicians, we have to deal with haters and critics on many levels. Whether it’s people within the industry that reject what it is we do and tell us we’re not good enough, or friends and family who discourage us from following our hearts, critics and haters are all around us. I’ve dealt with my fair share of “haters” and critics related to playing music over the years. Whether it’s the implied but unspoken sense of disappointment from family members or the snide comments about what a hard life being a musician is from my more business minded friends and acquaintances, musicians are a fairly easy target for “haters”. What’s easier to make light of and put down than someone actually chasing their dreams? Musicians make an especially tempting target for those who are unfulfilled in their lives and afraid to pursue whatever their version of chasing their dreams is. I spent a week at home with my Mom and stepdad recently. During my time with my family, I played one of my newest songs for Mom and stepdad. My mom was positive and encouraging, but my stepdad, as he tends to be, was cynical and judgmental. He listened to the song, visibly uninterested and unmoved. At the end, he looked at me with a smirk and asked, “What did you write that for”? The question on the surface seemed innocent enough, but the implication was clear…. what’s the point? At least that’s how I took it, knowing my stepdad the way I do. Well, I said, I wrote it for myself and for anyone else who’s interested in listening. I write music I explained, first and foremost, because I’m simply inspired to write music. It feels good to me. Anything that happens after that is icing on the cake. My stepdad seemed unimpressed with my answer, and the conversation quickly shifted to something more mundane and not related to music. This is just one of countless examples of people trying to belittle my passion for playing music over the years. I’m pretty numb to it at this point, but it still never amazes me how quick some people are to discourage others from pursuing what brings them joy. F&%K The Haters It would be easy to just say, screw the haters and the critics, follow your heart and don’t let anyone stop you. In fact, that is what I essentially believe, but it’s easier said than done. Apparently, the tendency to hold onto negative criticism is natural for most people. According to Roy Baumeister and researchers at Florida State University, we remember negative emotions much more strongly and in more vivid detail. In a research paper titled, “Bad Is Stronger Than Good”, Baumeister summarizes academic studies that prove that we are more likely to remember negative criticism than praise. Baumeister found that even happy people tend to remember more negative events than positive ones. In fact, Baumeister and his team say that it when it comes to your brain, it takes about five positive events to make up for one negative event. The Biggest Hater Of All Ultimately though, the biggest hater of all, that most of us have to confront, is ourselves. We choose which ideas and beliefs that others present to us we believe and embrace. Other people are entitled to their opinions and beliefs about our lives, but we get to decide what’s best for us. We’re the captain of our own destinies, at least as far as our beliefs go. We only have one life to live and it’s up to us to develop the courage and conviction to create and lead lives that make us proud. I may not spend the rest of my life with my 19 year old girlfriend and I might not realize all my rock and roll dreams. I don’t know what my future will hold any more than anyone else does. But I know that when I get to the end of my life, I’m going to have few regrets about the choices I’ve made. I’m going to continue to live my life on my terms, un-deterred by the well-intended opinions of others. Ultimately, whatever choices you make in life, someone is going to criticize you either way. You mine as well create a life that you’re proud of and happy to live, after all, you’re the one who has to live it. I think Billy Joel summed it up best: “I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone”
21 Comments
Frank
1/19/2016 11:40:48 am
Hi Aaron,
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Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:13:11 pm
Thanks Frank!
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I married a man 15 years my junior and we had a great time for about as many years together. We didn't separate due to age difference. He had a 2 life affecting spinal injuries. Our marriage didn't survive the 2nd injury. Having things in common is far more important than age or race differences. In fact, I think such relationships are stronger because both peeps are in it for all the right reasons: each other.
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Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:12:45 pm
Thanks for sharing Britte! I agree, it's much more about compatibility than age.
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Michelle
1/19/2016 12:07:40 pm
People's opinions are just that...theirs, and really it has nothing to do with you. What matters is that you treat your girlfriend with absolute respect and uphold her dignity, as you would expect the same of her. Best of luck in your relationship, may it be mutually fruitful.
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Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:14:30 pm
Thanks Michelle! I treat my girlfriend with the utmost respect.
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Close to me on a lot of levels Aaron. My dad was from a German work ethic family so he was not enthusiastic about my career choice and his father was just scathing. I was on a divorced parents support group and I mentioned that I was a musician and quite a few women said "How could be so selfish doing that when I should be working a real job to support my kids even though my music had supported us for years. My mother was an opera singer and she turned out to be the worst. In the beginning she was real support and and I sang and played in all her productions and choir etc... once I started striking off on my own and becoming fairly successful and had bypassed the safe level she was stuck at, she became hostile. The last thing she said about my music before she died was in response to a clip my brother showed her from a gig I was singing with my hard rock band. "What a creep" she said.
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Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:23:04 pm
Hats off to you for following your own path. The world would be pretty boring if we were all accountants and doctors.
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Terry
1/19/2016 12:55:27 pm
Hey Arron,
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Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:28:21 pm
Congratulations Terry! I've yet to experience fatherhood, but I know from my friends who have children that it is a life changing experience. Maybe one day!
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Your story is so inspiring. It nearly echo's mine. It makes me realise that it's not me alone facing the haters. I think the definition of true courage is the capacity to know what is to be feared as opposed to what is merely a child's bogeyman. And justice is about people minding their own business.
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Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 02:30:04 pm
Hi Victor, thanks for reading and commenting. There is a price for following our dreams, and one of them is just dealing with those who try to put us down.
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Robert Allen
1/19/2016 03:24:19 pm
You are absolutely right. Like so many others I can relate to the discouragement that comes with following your passion. As a singer songwriter I am surrounded by phonies and naysayers not to mention other musicians who could care less about anyone else. But I have learned I have a choice as to what I let in my my mind and just how powerful beliefs can be. I choose the most positive ones based on faith in my Higher Power and myself. All the best to you! ✌
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1/19/2016 03:35:30 pm
Spot on, Aaron! Thanks for sharing. Thanks for the encouragement to carry on and ignore the haters. A short while back I read the Eric Clapton autobiography (borrowed it from the library). He married a woman much younger too. By the smile on Mercy's face, I can almost feel her heart. You're in the right place. Keep loving each other.
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Aaron Davison
1/21/2016 06:34:03 am
Thanks so much Allen! I appreciate your comments.
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JonNichi Sun Tiger
1/20/2016 09:31:35 am
First of all, thank you, Aaron for sharing such a interesting topic.
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Aaron Davison
1/21/2016 06:36:26 am
Thanks so much Jon Nichi! Your comments really resonate with me. I love the idea of not making other people's stories our own. Very true. Yeah my girlfriend is also a singer. We've done a couple gigs together.
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Hi Aaron,
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Aaron Davison
1/22/2016 03:32:30 pm
HI Kayt,
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Ron Kempton
2/4/2016 07:11:50 am
I seem to have learned to excuse negitive people from my life. Be that as it may, if you look around there are wonderful positive influences all day everywhere. I have three, first my wife of thirty years Kathy she's the best, second Gary Gray there's no way to express what it is he's taught me it goes way beyond music. Third is my mom, although she's an odd combination.She'll say oh Honey that's great then say do you think you can do that? But I tell you this truly all of you, attitude is everything. It's your best friend or worst enemy. So god bless the boys (and Girls) who make the noise on sixteenth avineu.
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2/4/2016 08:37:52 am
Julie Cameron called them crazy makers. I had one for a mother which was a challenge. She was a opera singer, choir director and voice teacher. As long as I was helping her with her shows, playing instruments, singing etc... she seemed happy with me. Once I started going beyond the level she reached and doing my own thing, she really had no time for me and slammed everything I was doing. Gary has a great spirit in addition to his musical and business talents. He also is humble and continues to learn. I think that is key. Never stop working becoming better. People don't get that even though it's fun, music is a serious. They only see the playing and not the work. "Get a real job" they say. "I have a real job, music" I say.
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