AARON DAVISON.NET
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • MUSIC
  • Videos
  • Podcast
  • Photos
  • Contact

How To deal with haters And critics

1/19/2016

21 Comments

 
Picture
I’m 41 years old.  My girlfriend is 19.  We’ve been dating exclusively for nine months. When we first started dating, I was concerned about how well our social circle would accept us as a couple.  To my surprise, the vast majority of our friends have embraced us and seem to have no problem with us dating.  We get invited to parties and social functions together, we hang out with a wide range of friends and for the most part, people to seem to “get” us as a couple and can see that we’re happy together. If anyone has a problem with us dating, they don’t express it to me, that is, until last night.
Picture
Me and my girlfriend, Mercy
I was out with a couple friends last night.  One of whom is a 62 year old women.  Let’s call her Deborah.  I haven’t seen Deborah in quite a while and she asked how things are going.  Naturally the topic of who I’ve been dating came up.  I described my girlfriend and all her wonderful traits. I talked about how happy we are together. I explained how she’s a singer, that she’s studying TV production and how well we get along and how compatible we are.  Deborah listened intently.  Then she asked me the question that I knew was coming.  How old is she?, Deborah asked.  I paused for a moment and then answered as confidently as I could, she’s 19 I said, with probably a hint of reservation in my voice. 

Deborah’s reaction didn’t really surprise me.  She proceeded to outline all the reasons why a relationship like this wouldn’t work.  She brought up the typical, cynical objections to may-december romances that most people who oppose these types of relationships espouse.  What could we possibly have in common? My girlfriend must be using me for money (despite the fact that I’m far from wealthy).  It’s wrong to be with someone so much younger than me and that I must be exploiting her youth and naivete.  Of course, all of these objections were coming from someone who has never actually met my girlfriend or spent time with us together.

My friend’s reaction didn’t surprise me, but it did throw me off a little.  Like I said, this is really the first time in nine months anyone has expressed their objections to me and I was a little taken aback and defensive.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but to judge someone or something you don’t really know about is unfair at best and completely off base at worst.  But, our whole conversation really got me thinking about the topic of “haters”, where these sorts of criticisms come from and how we can deal with these sorts of critics in our lives.

No matter how conventional and socially acceptable our lives are, all of us will confront people from time to time who don’t agree with the decisions we make.  As the saying goes, you can please some of the people some of the time but you can’t please all of the people, all of the time.  We all have different ideas of what’s right and wrong, smart and stupid, and so on.  We’re all on our own unique paths, making different life choices that lead to different places.

If living a conventional, “normal” life is met with inevitable criticism, then it goes without saying that a less conventional life will be met with even more critics and naysayers. Anytime someone veers off the conventional, socially accepted life path, they open themselves up to even more criticism.  Criticism comes in all shapes and sizes.  Some of it may be well intended advice based on wisdom and life experience, but in my experience, more often than not, it’s simply other people projecting their own insecurities and limited view of life and what’s possible onto others.

Musician Haters
Pursuing music as a profession is considered by many to be an unconventional way to earn a living.  As musicians, we have to deal with haters and critics on many levels.  Whether it’s people within the industry that reject what it is we do and tell us we’re not good enough, or friends and family who discourage us from following our hearts, critics and haters are all around us.

I’ve dealt with my fair share of “haters” and critics related to playing music over the years.  Whether it’s the implied but unspoken sense of disappointment from family members or the snide comments about what a hard life being a musician is from my more business minded friends and acquaintances, musicians are a fairly easy target for “haters”.  What’s easier to make light of and put down than someone actually chasing their dreams?  Musicians make an especially tempting target for those who are unfulfilled in their lives and afraid to pursue whatever their version of chasing their dreams is.

​I spent a week at home with my Mom and stepdad recently.  During my time with my family, I played one of my newest songs for Mom and stepdad. My mom was positive and encouraging, but my stepdad, as he tends to be, was cynical and judgmental.  He listened to the song, visibly uninterested and unmoved.  At the end, he looked at me with a smirk and asked, “What did you write that for”? 

The question on the surface seemed innocent enough, but the implication was clear…. what’s the point? At least that’s how I took it, knowing my stepdad the way I do.  Well, I said, I wrote it for myself and for anyone else who’s interested in listening.  I write music I explained, first and foremost, because I’m simply inspired to write music.  It feels good to me.  Anything that happens after that is icing on the cake. My stepdad seemed unimpressed with my answer, and the conversation quickly shifted to something more mundane and not related to music.

This is just one of countless examples of people trying to belittle my passion for playing music over the years.  I’m pretty numb to it at this point, but it still never amazes me how quick some people are to discourage others from pursuing what brings them joy.

​F&%K The Haters
It would be easy to just say, screw the haters and the critics, follow your heart and don’t let anyone stop you.  In fact, that is what I essentially believe, but it’s easier said than done. Apparently, the tendency to hold onto negative criticism is natural for most people. According to Roy Baumeister and researchers at Florida State University, we remember negative emotions much more strongly and in more vivid detail.

​In a research paper titled, “Bad Is Stronger Than Good”, Baumeister summarizes
academic studies that prove that we are more likely to remember negative criticism than praise. Baumeister found that even happy people tend to remember more negative events than positive ones. In fact, Baumeister and his team say that it when it comes to your brain, it takes about five positive events to make up for one negative event.
 
The Biggest Hater Of All
Ultimately though, the biggest hater of all, that most of us have to confront, is ourselves.  We choose which ideas and beliefs that others present to us we believe and embrace. Other people are entitled to their opinions and beliefs about our lives, but we get to decide what’s best for us. We’re the captain of our own destinies, at least as far as our beliefs go. We only have one life to live and it’s up to us to develop the courage and conviction to create and lead lives that make us proud.

I may not spend the rest of my life with my 19 year old girlfriend and I might not realize all my rock and roll dreams. I don’t know what my future will hold any more than anyone else does.  But I know that when I get to the end of my life, I’m going to have few regrets about the choices I’ve made.  I’m going to continue to live my life on my terms, un-deterred by the well-intended opinions of others.

Ultimately, whatever choices you make in life, someone is going to criticize you either way.  You mine as well create a life that you’re proud of and happy to live, after all, you’re the one who has to live it. 

I think Billy Joel summed it up best:

“I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone”
21 Comments
Frank
1/19/2016 11:40:48 am

Hi Aaron,

Good for you for believing in yourself and for having the courage to follow your own path. It's not always easy keeping the energy vampires at bay, but hopefully we all learn to fly with the eagles and not with the turkeys. Your girlfriend is adorable by the way! Good luck to both of you! Nosce te ipsum!

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:13:11 pm

Thanks Frank!

Reply
Britte link
1/19/2016 12:04:56 pm

I married a man 15 years my junior and we had a great time for about as many years together. We didn't separate due to age difference. He had a 2 life affecting spinal injuries. Our marriage didn't survive the 2nd injury. Having things in common is far more important than age or race differences. In fact, I think such relationships are stronger because both peeps are in it for all the right reasons: each other.

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:12:45 pm

Thanks for sharing Britte! I agree, it's much more about compatibility than age.

Reply
Michelle
1/19/2016 12:07:40 pm

People's opinions are just that...theirs, and really it has nothing to do with you. What matters is that you treat your girlfriend with absolute respect and uphold her dignity, as you would expect the same of her. Best of luck in your relationship, may it be mutually fruitful.

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:14:30 pm

Thanks Michelle! I treat my girlfriend with the utmost respect.

Reply
Keith link
1/19/2016 12:20:46 pm

Close to me on a lot of levels Aaron. My dad was from a German work ethic family so he was not enthusiastic about my career choice and his father was just scathing. I was on a divorced parents support group and I mentioned that I was a musician and quite a few women said "How could be so selfish doing that when I should be working a real job to support my kids even though my music had supported us for years. My mother was an opera singer and she turned out to be the worst. In the beginning she was real support and and I sang and played in all her productions and choir etc... once I started striking off on my own and becoming fairly successful and had bypassed the safe level she was stuck at, she became hostile. The last thing she said about my music before she died was in response to a clip my brother showed her from a gig I was singing with my hard rock band. "What a creep" she said.

I feel your pain. I have dated women 20-30 years younger and people would be really nasty about that.

KK

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:23:04 pm

Hats off to you for following your own path. The world would be pretty boring if we were all accountants and doctors.

Reply
Terry
1/19/2016 12:55:27 pm

Hey Arron,

Well put. I meet my 26 year old wife when I was 51. I had know idea where I was going with this relationship at the time. I only knew I was happy. I am also a musician and film maker and my life has been filled with high, highs and low, lows, my creativity was all I ever cared about before her. Then at 52 we had a son. Wow did my life change. It's been tough, but there is joy I get from my son I did't know existed. Now at 60 my life is fuller than it's ever been. I still struggle as an artist, but there is a dimension to me that wasn't there before. Following your heart is never easy, but it's the only way to go!

Wishing you and your lady all the best.

Terry

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 01:28:21 pm

Congratulations Terry! I've yet to experience fatherhood, but I know from my friends who have children that it is a life changing experience. Maybe one day!

Reply
Victor link
1/19/2016 01:29:40 pm

Your story is so inspiring. It nearly echo's mine. It makes me realise that it's not me alone facing the haters. I think the definition of true courage is the capacity to know what is to be feared as opposed to what is merely a child's bogeyman. And justice is about people minding their own business.

It seems to me that most people are in the grip of a kind of strong fever call jealousy, which compels them to express their cowardice through fear tactics, being themselves under perpetual rule of fear.

These people don't even know how to take care of their own business as ordinary as they are but somehow are under a delusion that they have the ability to make judgements about what is far way beyond their reach. I call this the mother, or father if you will, of injustice.

It's only ordinary for people not to bear praise of others beyond the point which they still feel they can rival their exploits. Transgress that boundary and suddenly they are jealous and distrustful .


It wouldn't come as a surprise if you find out that your 62 years old Deborah herself is burning with her own secret desire to have a 19 years old boy for lover. But since cowardice wouldn't allow her express that desire, the only way she goes about to justify herself is by unjustly putting down others who've got the courage to follow their heart desire.

To follow a dream is like to carry your cross and there's no turning back now. They can go burn in hell-Haters.

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/19/2016 02:30:04 pm

Hi Victor, thanks for reading and commenting. There is a price for following our dreams, and one of them is just dealing with those who try to put us down.

Reply
Robert Allen
1/19/2016 03:24:19 pm

You are absolutely right. Like so many others I can relate to the discouragement that comes with following your passion. As a singer songwriter I am surrounded by phonies and naysayers not to mention other musicians who could care less about anyone else. But I have learned I have a choice as to what I let in my my mind and just how powerful beliefs can be. I choose the most positive ones based on faith in my Higher Power and myself. All the best to you! ✌

Reply
Allen Cook link
1/19/2016 03:35:30 pm

Spot on, Aaron! Thanks for sharing. Thanks for the encouragement to carry on and ignore the haters. A short while back I read the Eric Clapton autobiography (borrowed it from the library). He married a woman much younger too. By the smile on Mercy's face, I can almost feel her heart. You're in the right place. Keep loving each other.

As musicians, we have to keep playing until we develop our "brand", and in time an audience that appreciates what we do according to the value we create in their lives. The haters actually do us a favor by letting us know in advance we don't have to add them to our fan database - don't have to waste our time with them. Yay! As we each concentrate on who we are, the rest will fall into place.

Keep up the good work, bro! Thanks for all you do.

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/21/2016 06:34:03 am

Thanks so much Allen! I appreciate your comments.

Reply
JonNichi Sun Tiger
1/20/2016 09:31:35 am

First of all, thank you, Aaron for sharing such a interesting topic.

I love the photo of you and your sweet lady friend, who is so adorable and has just the nicest smile. Is she also a singer?? I see that she has a possibility of becoming and interesting figure in the industry, whether television productions, etc. You need to write a song for both of you to record in duo. Now, that makes perfect sense. Please do not ever worry about what others make think or say. I have experienced life on many realms in just this one lifetime.
After spending more than two decades living in Europe, I came back to the USA, married a young lady from Europe who is 19 years younger than I, and have been living together for almost 20 years. I am now 66 years young, not only because of my relationship, or my music, but because I love life. I love people who are engaged in my life. Sure there are always some who do not agree, but it has nothing to do with you or your life. We must not make their story, our own. Realize that you are and have always been the captain of your ship, the conductor of your own orchestra. Life is a reflection of all things that we are according to our awareness and our un-awareness of. In other words, you are the projector and whatever you experience is your screen. When ever your inner projector runs a different setting, your outer screen make it visible to you. Creation lies within our thoughts, our words and our actions. Maybe you should take a deeper look into the situation of your step-dad and find out what has been your deepest innermost feelings toward him.
This may help to strengthen your relationship with you step-dad.
The more we come to the realizations of who we are, the greater the steps we take in accomplishing our mission here in the physical realm. Enjoy your life and all that pertains to it, and that is basically everything. I wish both of you the best of love and the sweetest things life has to offer.
yours, JonNichi Sun Tiger

By the way, I love the songs you created, especially the ones with producer Gary Gray.

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/21/2016 06:36:26 am

Thanks so much Jon Nichi! Your comments really resonate with me. I love the idea of not making other people's stories our own. Very true. Yeah my girlfriend is also a singer. We've done a couple gigs together.

Reply
Kayt link
1/21/2016 09:23:23 am

Hi Aaron,
I HEAR you! When I was 22, I started dating the man who would become my husband for the next seven years. He was 40. We had zero issues with our age difference. I don't believe the haters have any true reasons for their discomforts. Much more about them, than you!
Now... I'm just shy of 40, and I'm enjoying being a mature musician amongst my peers. I'm lucky for appearing a little younger than I am, but that won't last, and it clearly doesn't matter. Music is something we can all do, well into our senior years.
In this respect though, I am my own worst critic. I wish I was... more this, more that...etc. But I have to look around once in a while, and really see the joy that my musical journey brings to others. No need to despair at all.
Thanks, Aaron, for your regular emails and articles. You're a very thoughtful contributor to music.

Reply
Aaron Davison
1/22/2016 03:32:30 pm

HI Kayt,
Thanks so much for your comment. It's great to hear the perspective of others who have been in similar relationships. I agree, there's no age limit when it comes to making and playing music.

Reply
Ron Kempton
2/4/2016 07:11:50 am

I seem to have learned to excuse negitive people from my life. Be that as it may, if you look around there are wonderful positive influences all day everywhere. I have three, first my wife of thirty years Kathy she's the best, second Gary Gray there's no way to express what it is he's taught me it goes way beyond music. Third is my mom, although she's an odd combination.She'll say oh Honey that's great then say do you think you can do that? But I tell you this truly all of you, attitude is everything. It's your best friend or worst enemy. So god bless the boys (and Girls) who make the noise on sixteenth avineu.

Reply
Keith Kehrer link
2/4/2016 08:37:52 am

Julie Cameron called them crazy makers. I had one for a mother which was a challenge. She was a opera singer, choir director and voice teacher. As long as I was helping her with her shows, playing instruments, singing etc... she seemed happy with me. Once I started going beyond the level she reached and doing my own thing, she really had no time for me and slammed everything I was doing. Gary has a great spirit in addition to his musical and business talents. He also is humble and continues to learn. I think that is key. Never stop working becoming better. People don't get that even though it's fun, music is a serious. They only see the playing and not the work. "Get a real job" they say. "I have a real job, music" I say.

It is tough being in a relationship and balancing your art and the other person. I don't want to do it some days and even find ways to make my wife mad so she will leave me alone to do my thing. ;)

KK

Reply



Leave a Reply.

© 2022 By Aaron Davison.net
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • MUSIC
  • Videos
  • Podcast
  • Photos
  • Contact