The Law Of Reciprocity

One of the awesome things about running my website, hosting my podcast, interviewing people in the music industry and so on, is that I get to keep learning about the music industry.  In many ways, I selfishly run my business as much for my own benefit, as for my readers and subscribers.  I want to learn as much as possible about the music industry, and what makes the industry tick, as possible so that I can continue to learn, grow and move forward.  I want to get close to people in the industry so I can learn from them and potentially work with them.

Although I’m doing this in many ways for my own benefit, I’m also more than happy to share what I learn along the way via my blogs, podcasts, Youtube videos​ and so forth, because I also want to serve the community.  Why?  Why would I want to “serve” musicians and a community comprised of people that, for the most part, I don’t even know?

One of my biggest insights over the last few years and after interviewing and working with hundreds of musicians is the idea of shifting to a mindset of service, as opposed to a mindset of “what’s in it for me”.  This is a theme that has come up, in a variety of ways, over and over again, in different conversations I’ve had, different podcasts I’ve done and in webinars I’ve hosted.  It’s a powerful mindset shift and in this article, I’m going to explore different ways you can apply this mindset to your music licensing and music business journey and explain why it’s so effective.

First, let’s state the obvious.  You want to achieve your goals.  I get that.  It’s totally normal and understandable.  We’re all looking out for ourselves.  We all have our own needs to meet.  We all have to look out for #1.  So, none of what I’m about to explain is an attempt to get you to deny that.  In fact, I would say that if you’re not more concerned with your needs than those of others there might be something wrong with you.  That’s right.  I said it.  I don’t buy into this whole idea of putting others needs before yours.  That sounds a little masochistic to me.  How can you actually be of service to others if you’re denying your own needs and goals?  How can you be effective in the world if you’re denying your very real and important drives to make your mark on the world?  How can you actually be happy and at peace if you’re putting yourself last?

I have a slightly different take on the whole be of service to others mindset that you may have not heard before.  I think your needs and goals are actually the most important thing to you.  They’re numero uno.  But, here’s the catch, the same applies to EVERYONE else you’re working with, trying to work with, networking with, etc. 

We all have our own needs and goals, and they are the most important thing to ALL of us.  You want to achieve your goals, and so does everyone else you come in contact with.  We’re all a bit narcissistic in this sense. Although, really, it’s not narcissism.  I mean, it could be narcissism for some people.  But really, it’s just survival.  It’s the way we’re wired to experience the world.  We view life through our own subjective lens and live life from our own unique vantage point.  Of course we’re more concerned with meeting our own goals. Our life is the only life we fully inhabit.

Ok, so how does this apply to the music business and achieving your goals?  That’s what you really want to know, right?  (See what I did there)  Well, here’s the thing, since your goals are the most important thing to you, and since this is true for everyone you come in contact with, doesn’t it make more sense to actually consider the goals and objectives of the person or people you’re coming in contact with, first and foremost, if you’re trying to get something from them (help, attention, feedback, etc)? 

Wouldn’t it actually be more effective, in terms of making a good impression, to approach someone with the mindset of how can I help you or “serve” you, as opposed to “what can you do for me”?   Think about it.  Since we’re all basically, on a fundamental level, looking out for ourselves, wouldn’t it be more powerful to start by addressing this base need in those you’re interacting with? 

Wouldn’t someone be more willing to help us, if we’re first willing to help them?  Wouldn’t people be more willing to want to work with us if we can demonstrate we want to help them achieve their goals? Put yourself in their shoes, aren’t you more likely to want to help someone who has helped you? Can you see how in the long run, by helping others reach their goals, you’d be in a better position to achieve your own goals?  My experience, and the experience of dozens of other professional musicians I’ve talked to is a resounding yes to all of the above.

I realize this can sound sort of calculated and methodical.   Aren’t we still being narcissistic and self-centered if we’re helping someone with the expectation they help us in return?  Maybe.  I don’t think it really matters though.  It only seems calculated when you analyze it as I’m doing in this article.  When you put this into practice, it feels like the most natural and organic thing in the world.  It’s just the way the world and human interactions work. 

Social psychologists actually have a term for this.  I’m not just making this stuff up.  Social psychologists refer to the impulse to help others that first help you as “The Law Of Reciprocity”, or the “norm” of reciprocity. 

From Wikepdia:
In social psychology, reciprocity is a social norm of responding to a positive action with another positive action, rewarding kind actions. As a social construct, reciprocity means that in response to friendly actions, people are frequently much nicer and much more cooperative than predicted by the self-interest model; conversely, in response to hostile actions they are frequently much more nasty and even brutal.[1]

Reciprocity makes it possible to build continuing relationships and exchanges. Fukuyama [2] states that “If the institutions of democracy and capitalism are to work properly, they must coexist within certain premodern cultural habits that ensure their proper functioning” (p. 11). He goes on to say “Law, contract, and economic rationality and prosperity…. must as well be leavened with reciprocity, moral obligation, duty toward community, and trust…. The latter are not anachronisms in a modern society but rather the sine qua non of the latter’s success” (p. 11) According to the sociologist Alvin Gouldner (1960), this norm is nearly universal, and only a few members of society—the very young, the sick, or the old—are exempt from it.[3]

So, as you can see, this isn’t just anecdotal evidence from a few different people I’ve talked to.  This is a principle of social psychology that has been studied and documented and is in fact a universal principle. 

Let’s take a look at a few different situations, hypothetical and actual examples from my own life, to see how this principle can be applied:

1. Hypothetical:  Pitching Music To A Library Or Supervisor

Scenario 1 – Let’s say you approach pitching your music the way most musicians do.  You have a batch of songs you’ve poured your heart and soul into and you understandably want to get them heard, make money from them etc.  So, not quite knowing what to do or who to approach, you start blindly emailing anyone and everyone you can think of trying to get them to pay attention and listen.  You basically say something like, “look at me!”.  “I made this awesome music.  Check it out!”.  Messages like this tend to be ineffective, because you’re basically doing what everyone else is doing.  You’re not really taking into account the law of reciprocity.  You’re not really thinking about how you can be helpful to the person you’re contacting.  These sorts of messages are all about you, and what you want.  Now, granted, if you have amazing music and by chance, someone actually clicked on your link, or opened your mp3, a message like this could work every once in a while.  Sometimes we just get lucky and happen to approach someone at the right time, with the right song and the stars align.  It could happen.  It probably happens every once in a while.  But what would be a more effective approach?  Let’s look at scenario 2.

Scenario 2 – Instead of just blindly throwing your music against the proverbial wall and hoping someone likes it, let’s approach someone through the lens of reciprocity. What if instead of just randomly hitting people up with random messages promoting your music, you instead actually put a little effort and thought into how you can uniquely contribute to the needs and goals of those you’re contacting. 
 
How?  Well, this does take a little work and effort, but it’s worth it.  Instead of just sending the same copy and paste email over and over to anyone and everyone, take the time to research those you’re contacting.  Try and figure out as much as you can about whoever you’re contacting, before you contact them.  Look for ways you can contribute to their goals and mission, with your talents.  Research the projects they’ve worked on and are working on (when possible) to determine how you could potentially help out.  Do you have music that is relevant to the types of projects they work on?  Is your music a good fit overall for the places you’re pitching to? 
 
These types of questions are surprisingly overlooked by most musicians.  Most musicians aren’t thinking through the lens of how they can be of service and contribute.  Most musicians are thinking of themselves and their music.  Again, this is understandable. I get it. But can you see how the second approach would be much more effective and powerful? 
 
Real Life Examples – Think Long Term 
The above example is a way the law of reciprocity plays out in the short term in the music industry.  Of course, there’s no guarantee that if you approach people this way that they will automatically want to work with you, or like your music.  Ultimately it depends on the music you’re making and each the variables of each unique situation.  But it will help you get your foot in the door and get your music heard, and that’s a big start.

There’s another way I’ve seen the law of reciprocity play out in the music industry in my own life and that’s simply applying this mindset to all people you work with, over time.  Sometimes your actions and goodwill won’t be reciprocated for a long time.  You really have to think long term and not be overly concerned about how or when your good deeds will come back to you.  But if you approach people this way and adopt this mindset you will see your good deeds come back to you eventually.  Call it karma.  Call it reciprocity.  Call it human nature.  It doesn’t really matter what you call it.  It works just the same.
 
For example, I’ve been working closely with two musicians for my member site, HTLYM Premium, Gary Gray and Eddie Grey the last few years.  Gary and I have been working together since 2012 and Eddie and I have been working together since 2016.  There’s a lot of reciprocity flowing between the three of us.  Gary and Eddie have both gone above and beyond to contribute to HTLYM Premium and as a result I feel obliged and more than happy to help them out in return.  When I see how much work they’re putting into our website and the community we’ve created I want to “pay them back” out of a sense of gratitude.  It just feels like the right thing to do and when they see me return the favor, they continue to contribute, I continue to pay them back, and so on and so forth.
 
Gary recently hired me to perform guitar on six songs he’s recording for 20th Century Fox and Eddie and I have been collaborating on different projects. I don’t think either of these things would have happened had we not had a history of working together, helping each other out, etc.  We all help each other.  We’ve created a situation where everyone wins.
 
And to sum up, that’s really what the “law of reciprocity” is all about.  It’s about creating win-win situations.  Instead of leading your interactions with people with a what’s in it for me mindset, instead shift to asking how you can those you’re interacting with reach their goals and look for ways to create long term win-win situations.  That way, everyone wins.